World's Oldest Terrorist Cat
by Kaori
Summary: Some of you are probably looking at the title and going What the France has she been smoking?. Presenting the all too brief tale of Heero's misadventures with El Gato.


I've really got to stop watching the Daily Show and Premium Blend reruns after eating two hot fudge sundaes…

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam Pilots. They belong to the people at the Sunrise and Sotsu. I also don't own El Gato; who was thought up by a comic whose name I can't remember right now but he was funny. The title isn't mine either, I got it from an episode of the Daily Show (can't remember which night that was). 

World's Oldest Terrorist Cat 

By Kaori [so you know it's insane]

You know those days when everything is going right for a change and the world looks really good? Well it started out as one of those days but it was soon shot to hell with a cannon…

Heero was shopping at La Bodega (a Mexican themed store) for some salsa and guacamole when this really skinny, old cat started following him through the aisles. At first, he didn't mind but it started to get really annoying so he kicked at it. "Get out of here!" The cat glared at him.

"You get out of here!" the cat yelled in a thick Latin accent. Heero blinked as he had never encountered a talking cat before. "I been workin' in here for thirty years, don't you tell _me_ to get out!" Heero blinked again. "_You_ get out of here! Hombre con mal pelo, I don't like you!!" Now Heero was a little insulted but he didn't have time to stay that way since the cat leapt up and tried to claw out his eyeballs. He threw a flour sack at it and ran out of the store, deciding to get guacamole from elsewhere.

By the time he got back to his apartment there were three messages on his answering machine. After putting his groceries away he checked them.

*BEEP*

"Heero, it's Quatre. I just wanted to give you a heads up that Relena's going to be in town on conference so you should probably avoid the government district. Hopefully she hasn't found out where you live yet. Call me later, bye."

*BEEP*

"Hey, Heero this is Duo! I found the parts you wanted but they're in pretty bad shape. It'll take me about two weeks to fix 'em so they're usable. Oh, and good luck avoiding Relena."

*BEEP*

"This is El Gato. You think you can get away from me hombre con mal pelo? Think again! Nobody escapes El Gato!!"

*BEEP*

Now he was freaked out. Not only was Relena coming but the parts for his laptop won't be there for at least three weeks! Oh yeah… and the cat from the store was plotting against him…

"Why me…" Heero moaned and went back into the kitchen to make dinner.

That night, he awoke from a particularly nice dream (about running over millions of Relena clones with a T-54K tank) to the sound of the phone ringing. He glared at it, and picked it up. "What." Nobody answered. He growled in annoyance and hung up. Just as he was about to go back to sleep it rang again. "Hello." No answer. The phone rang a third time. "Duo stop playing with the phone!" A voice that was definitely not Duo's started to sing a parody of the song "So Happy Together."

"I call you up at two AM

I wake you and hang up the phone

And do it again

I make sure that you get no sleep

You nasty man

Unhappy forever!

I'll make sure that

Life is just hell for you

For all your life…."

Heero groaned, hung up the phone and disconnected it. Pulling the sheets over his head he went back to sleep.

In the morning, Yuy was very shocked to find that he had been tied to his bed face-up. There was a note on the ceiling:

"This is only the beginning."

                                                El Gato.

Having just woken up, Heero ignored the note and shuffled over to the bathroom to get ready for the day.  While in the shower he went through the list of things he had to do before the afternoon. So pensive was he that he didn't notice a paw nonchalantly reaching for the handle on the toilet…

*FLUSH*

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Yuy ripped open the shower curtain to spot El Gato sitting on the toilet bowl.

"El meow." El Gat sneered and raced off out the door.

Heero was ticked now and, after hurriedly putting on his bathrobe, chased after the cat.

All through the house they ran, the cat hurling insults over its shoulder, Heero wondering where his gun had got to. This would have gone on for quite a while, except that the cat jumped out of an open window. Heero jumped after him and it was only then that he remembered that his apartment was on the thirtieth floor. El Gato smirked in triumph as 01 plummeted to the concrete; and this time there was no cliff face to break his fall.

When he woke up, he found himself in a full body cast with a doctor scribbling something on a clipboard. He made a slight noise and the doctor looked at him. 

"Oh good, you're finally awake. You've been in a coma for about a week." He looked at the medical chart on the bed. "You are very fortunate Mr. Yuy. This is the second time you've jumped out of a building and survived." A soft voice that Heero would recognize anywhere asked to be let in. "Of course, come in Ms. Dorlian."

"MMPH!!" Heero protested as Relena was admitted into the room.

"Oh my poor Heero!" she wailed and flung herself across his chest. Heero rolled his eyes and tried to swat her away but was hindered by the body cast. "How did you manage to fall out of the window like that?! You weren't trying to kill yourself again, were you? You can't die! You promised to kill me!"  The doctor gave her a strange look before excusing himself from the room. "Don't worry Heero. The doctors have given me permission to take you home with me and nurse you back to health! You won't have to worry anymore!"

Heero whimpered. 

About four months later, Heero had escaped from Relena's "care" three weeks prior to the utter destruction of La Bodega. The only clue to the arsonist's identity was the skin of the store's cat run up the flagpole outside of the store.

The End!


End file.
